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  • Writer's pictureNicholas Fagen

Becoming the Man I Always Wished to Be

Updated: Nov 15, 2022

What's up guys?! Nick Fagen here again!

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you'll know that I've been incredibly busy as of late.


Right now, I seem to be averaging one blog post every 3-4 weeks. As you probably know, though, that most definitely does not mean I haven't been busy! In addition to writing 2-3 creative pieces per week & finalizing formatting and artwork for a (hopefully) October release of my first poetry & prose novel, where else has my attention been?

I'm proud to say that I've been on an incredibly enlightening & insightful personal journey over these last six months that I am just now beginning to look back and reflect on little by little.


I'm finally culminating a mixture of every journal entry, along with creative pieces, relationships, and general overall experiences and suddenly realizing just how much the scared boy who secretly cowered in the corner to avoid overly-social situations is forever dissipating, merging into the man that I once (seemingly hopelessly) dreamt would come to fruition.


The one who can become friends with anybody, never shying away from meeting new people.


The one who sees the beauty in every situation, no matter how negative.


The one who isn't afraid of confrontation and standing up for what is right.


The one who treats people to dinner and drinks just because he feels like it.


The one who doesn't care what people think, no matter their prominence, affiliation or history.


The one who plans three concerts in one month simply because I deserve it.


The one who smiles ear-to-ear merely on account of a nice & sunny day outside.

Let me explain a bit, you see, I was always the guy who would do absolutely anything for a friend. That part of me is something that I never want to change.


By that, I mean that my values throughout the course of my life have always remained consistent. Friends & Family will always come before anything else. Relationships will always be my #1 priority above any type of status, wealth, or success.


However, what I have never quite been able to do throughout my existence is to see the beauty within myself and exactly what I have to offer. That's the part that's been suddenly recognized, almost as quickly & powerfully as a punch in the face!


I recently found myself pondering this question again and again:

Why is the concept of seeing the beauty in others so overly simplistic while we simultaneously cower at our own reflections through critically insane eyes?


To elaborate, Why does it sometimes seem so damn impossible to look at yourself and say something like "You look amazing today" or "You did a great job on that project"? You'd have no trouble saying it to a boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/etc. but as soon as you're staring into a mirror, it miraculously can become a more difficult triumph than conquering Mount Everest. Why is that?!


If this has ever been an issue for you, please never hesitate to reach out to someone, even myself, regardless of our relationship. After all, helping people is what I always intended this blog and all of my writing to ever be in the first place.


If this has never been a problem for you, props to you! It takes some real serious chops to be able to look at yourself the way you would look at your best friend or your soulmate.


And I don't know when exactly I realized it, but I have definitely merged into the next stage of my life over these last several months. Maybe because I'm reintroducing myself to live music once again and the world is slowly re-opening? Maybe it's because I've encountered people I haven't seen in 5+ years telling me how much they adore my writing? Maybe it's because I've thrusted myself out of my tiny comfort zone and into nearly every social situation possible and, yet, not a single one has backfired on me?


In fact, not only have they not backfired, but they've shown me just who I want to become moving forward.


The one who goes out of his way to interact with the cashier or the gas station attendant.


The one who volunteers as a coach in order to help shape young minds.


The one who doesn't become ferociously furious when the car wash blatantly scratches his new car.


The one who hosts a party for absolutely no reason other than enjoying other's company.


The one who has no place for drama, gossip, or negativity.


The one who continues to widen personal boundaries and comfort zones just because it's good experience.


The one who dances with a complete stranger at a concert as if they've known them their entire existence.


Life is a journey, so why do so many of us find ourselves tiptoeing around certain situations?


Not one of us will make it off this planet alive...right? So how come so many of us find ourselves suffering more often than flourishing?


Even the most negative things to happen to us, no matter how unfortunate or wretched, each small piece/story has some type of positive impact on our overall lives, and I am finally starting to see that.


If this is something you might struggle with, I heavily urge you to try and turn even the most difficult situations into a personal challenge for yourself to see through a different lens. This process has not only led me to reconnect with so many beautiful people who left my life long ago, but also create steeple-high platformed incredible relationships with those who have always been there. Some of my best friends on this planet wildly range from those who I knew in all the way back in middle school to those who I first met not even six months ago. How perfect is that?


See, for so many years various people have approached me to express their appreciation for me...whether that might've been towards my writing, my values of friendship, or my (sometimes overpowering) passion, but I have never been able to do that for myself.


For the first time in my life, I can now look straight into a mirror and know that I love Nicholas Anthony Fagen and every single aspect of his past, present, and future.


And I have to say, part of that has to do with this new concept of open vulnerability and putting my true (typically concealed) self out for anyone in the world to see...parts of me that I've kept secret for a literal lifetime.


If you knew me in high school, you might have a difficult time recognizing me these days.


If you knew me in college, you knew I was certainly blissful for every one of my experiences, but I still had a damn long way to go before loving myself.


But today...


Wow...


That 13-year old, the one who would rather eat lunch in the bathroom than the lunchroom because he's far too anxious to even think about forming a sentence with anybody...


He would be so damn proud. We're finally becoming the man that we always wished we could be.


Ugh, and I have so much planned for the future!


Keep it up kid, it's only gonna get even better.


And for those three of you still reading this through to the very end...

And until next time...

❤️ 🧡 💙 💚 💜

❤️ 🧡 💙 💚 💜

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Erie, PA

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